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I know what you’re thinking…how can you teach someone to be assertive? Some might say it’s either in you or it’s not—that it’s not something you can educate to another. To some degree this is true—with respects of, are you being assertive in the right way? There are those that might even be confused about what being assertive means. |
Assertiveness is not about who can yell the loudest or who can insult another person the most. Being assertive represents the confidence in speaking your truth, standing up for your moral compass, values, integrity and not letting others make you settle for less. This can all be accomplished in a loving, peaceful and civilized demeanor.
A useful affirmation to help you hone in on your ability to be assertive is to either say or have the following displayed somewhere: "It's Safe For Me To Be Assertive" This puts out into the universe that you feel comfortable and strong enough to express who you are and what you believe in--without worrying what others may think. This is not to say that you’ll spout out things that will hurt other people, rather that you will not let others put you down for having an opinion. Your’ unique self, is safe for you to embrace.
The following three scenarios can showcase how to be lovingly assertive. You may notice you’ve experienced at least one of them.
Scenario 1: You’re caught in the middle of a heated confrontation...dreading to argue, you decide to keep the peace and stay quiet…. When you’re arguing with someone, you need to make your voice heard. You can't stuff down how you feel and pretend you aren't feeling hurt. The more you do that, the more upset feelings toward the other person build--causing no resolution. The other person doesn’t know why you’re angry, sad, confused, etc., and this causes more resentment. You need to stick up for yourself or more harm will be done to you. Assertively this can be done without yelling or name calling. It can be difficult at times not to yell back when you’re dealing with those who have fierce temperaments. Being aggressive by yelling, though, doesn't solve the issue and more feelings will get hurt, thus causing a bigger-messier emotional pile to work through. In a loving--respectful manner, you have to inform the other person what you’re feeling and your opinions within the situation. Let them know how they are behaving or not behaving, is affecting you. Remember, though, you’re job isn’t to change anyone's mind or convince anyone of anything, however you must let the other person know that you do have a say. If you still can't come to terms with the other person, then that person's energy and agenda is not meant to be in your space. You’ve done all you could and it's then time to move on to surrounding yourself with people that have the best intentions for you.
Scenario 2: Your day is filled to the brim with "to do" items, most of them devoted to a project you need to finish, but your friend calls asking to hang out, and you decide to go--not to hurt your friend's feelings…. When you make personal commitments to yourself to get things done, and you don't follow through with them, you’ll later feel off-balance and overwhelmed. You’re trying to keep up with aligning yourself with your goals, yet you turn your energies elsewhere. If you promised yourself that you'd stay home to finish a project, etc., and someone invites you to go out the same day, it’s okay to say no. You’re not missing out on anything that you can do another day. You have the right and freedom to manage your own time. Your friend should understand that you have a prior commitment to yourself that you must keep. The same goes for if you’re friend just wants to talk on the phone, but you know by doing so, you’ll lose time in what you have to do. Don't be worried or afraid to stick to your intentions for yourself. Of course, if there’s a real emergency, then you definitely know what takes priority. However, if it’s something outside of an emergency, and your family or friends can’t understand that you must reschedule, then you must reassess time spent with them. Respectfully decline by either saying, “I would love to see you, but I just need the entire morning to finish _________.” “Today doesn’t work for me, but maybe we can do lunch tomorrow.” “I can better talk on the phone this evening so I can be more alert and present to what you have to tell me.”
Scenario 3: You found out that someone has just started a rumor about you, that is totally untrue...you say to yourself, "Alright, I will reciprocate!" Rumors, unfortunately, swirl around us every day. It just seems to be created by those who crave drama, wants attention, or like to see others put down. It can't be stopped, however, you can control how you handle it. Take back your power and realize that rumors are just like a balloon that will eventually run out of the air. Rumors come from a fearful, ego-centered place. You know who you are and what is true. The truth always comes out and in time all who truly know you will see this. Of course, it’s extremely hard to not want to retaliate when someone says untrue things about you or your family and friends. However by doing anything negative in retaliation only lowers you down to their level. It cancels out anything good that others might be able to see in you. Your best defense is to let others know, “if you want to know the truth, come talk to me and if you already know me, then there should be no confusion.” This reminds me of a line from one of the Harry Potter films – The Deathly Hallows Part 2: “If you have to ask, you'll never know. If you know, you need only ask.”
As we can see, being assertive means to be true to your beliefs--to live your life with integrity--to put your best, truest intentions forward and being confident in “saying no” sometimes. Whenever we find ourselves in these above situations or others that seem to test our limits, we must remember to say, feel and know that it is safe for us to be who we are and stand up for what is true in our hearts...in a loving manner- not in an aggressive way. This is also something we can teach to children early on so that they don’t fall victim to those who try to dim their creative light.