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Parenting is rough. Marriage is hard work. Sometimes, for whatever reason we have (I'm sure the reasons for divorce are diverse) we're in situations we can longer handle or where we gave it our all and it just didn't work. When you're married with children and decide a divorce is the best route for you, your mind goes a thousand different directions and more often than not you become consumed with worrying about your soon to be ex. |
How you're going to raise your kids together while no longer in a relationship, for some, is an afterthought, once the heat dies down and you go your separate ways. It isn't necessarily in the forefront of your mind amidst all the heartbreak and anger. Trying to remain civil and cooperate with someone who's probably the last person you want to see can be extremely trying. When dealing with these all too common situations, it's best to keep reminding yourself that it isn't about either of you but your kids. Remaining civil will not only show your children how to handle difficult situations in which one or both people are angry with each other but also ease any pain associated with your split, making the transition go a little smoother. You need to remember that your child is used to seeing both their parents every day and to go from one moving out and being transported from one parent to the other isn't as simple as we think. We often forget the whole ordeal is just as difficult, if not more, for our little ones. They still love you both the same while the two of you no longer do. So how do you civilly coordinate, cooperate and communicate with your ex to effectively co-parent? DO NOT use your kid(s) as pawns. Rule number one! The worst thing you can do is put your child in the middle of it. It's not their fault. They still love you both. Don't use them to relay messages or for an ear to complain to about why dad is mean or why mom left dad, don't let them even hear you complaining to someone else… etc. By badmouthing the other person, you're only creating a negative image of yourself in your child's mind. Do as we were taught when we were little, 'If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.'
Communicate. This is huge. Don't ignore each other. Remember to set your feelings aside.
Again, this isn't about you two. Try not to demand things from each other, instead request certain things be done for your child's needs, and you might want to ask for their opinion on the matter as well. Talk often to discuss important matters pertaining to your children. Your ex, whether you like it or not, will be in your life for the rest of your life. You have a kid together, end of story. Better to get used to trying to be civil sooner than later. Control what happens in your house and your house alone. You can ask that your ex-doesn't let the kids watch television past 8 p.m or you could request that your ex-doesn't allow the kids to eat snacks before dinner, etc. but in all reality, you can't control what happens in your exes home. As long as they're only minor infractions, let go of what you cannot control. Learn to pick your battles. Control your reactions to your ex. You can't control what they do to you but the last thing your kids need to see is you going bat shit crazy because your ex is complicating things. This goes somewhat hand in hand with no badmouthing your ex-partner. Take a deep breath and separate your feelings from the situation. Control your words and your actions, if not the whole time then at least in front of your children. Avoid discussing anything about the other parent with your children unless it's neutral. School functions, visiting, holidays, etc. Expect the worst and hope for the best. You can't really expect your ex to magically become a better parent once you two split. Things tend to turn ugly. Expect that the other person won't follow the agreement 100% and let the little things go. If your ex is 30 minutes late dropping the kids off on his visitation day, don't freak! If she/he cannot pick the kids up on a certain day that was agreed upon, don't fly off the handle.
Don't sway from legal terms as payback. Do not be petty. While it is so easy to sit there and carry out 'tit for tat' it isn't helping matters. If things were to become out of control and talking about it doesn't help, then get legal advice.
Don't bring more chaos into your kid's life and complicate things. Work for your kids, not against them. What is best for your child isn't always going to be what's easiest and convenient for you.