Relationships in Sobriety: How do You Know You're Ready?

There’s a lot of vulnerability in being newly sober and they say in the 12 step program I’m in, not to have a relationship or any major changes in the first year of sobriety. That’s because, when using, were trying to numb our feelings and our motives for getting into a relationship may be to fill a void. I had relationships while I was using and they were very unhealthy. You want to make sure you have your priorities in order.

According to Ryan Miller in the Alumni Program of Futures Addiction Treatment center, very few relationships that begin during the first year of recovery go well. In fact, most end swiftly and dramatically and as a result, the recovering person or persons involved in the affair often end up relapsing, and some return to full blown addiction.

I relapsed many times over men and I can assure you that it’s just not worth it.

Relationships require you to be present and have something to offer to the other person. In the first year, you are getting your life back together, and you may be emotionally unavailable to the other person. You’re just finding yourself so you may not even know what kind of person you want to be with, and you may end up choosing someone who’s not good for you just because you’re lonely.

Relationships are complicated, and when sex comes into the picture, you could become more attached to the other person. If it doesn’t work out, it could cause you a lot of emotional turmoil, or cause you to relapse.

It’s exciting to meet a new person, but often times that interest becomes the focal point of our lives and it takes the focus off of ourselves. Expectations come up and when left unfulfilled, disappointment sets in and thoughts of picking up again could seem appealing.

WHEN YOU GET TO THAT POINT, YOU’RE IN DANGEROUS WATERS.

There are other things you can do while you put a relationship on hold. How about your passion or the college course you never took. Improving your relationship with your family and friends is not a bad idea too. I know that I neglected my family for a life of chaos and toxic people. This is your opportunity to earn their trust back. Some other ideas of things you can do are:

• Get a Part time job to keep your mind occupied

• Do volunteer work to give back and feel good about yourself

• Spend time at the library or Barnes and nobles reading and expanding your knowledge

• Go to AA meetings or do activities to get in touch with your religion or spirituality

You might be wondering what I did my first year. It was not easy for me to get sober, but when I finally did, I enrolled in an outpatient program and Dialectical behavioral therapy, where I learned a lot of skills to deal with life. I also moved to another state to have a fresh start and get away from a toxic relationship, and I started a new life in New York. If I was in a relationship, I don’t know that I could have achieved these things.